before I go to bed and forget it ever occurred.
I was walking back from the music library and it was cold but I was listening to good music and its just a nice walk back to my house anyways.
But I did something for the first time in the month that I’ve been here.
I looked up.
I looked up and I saw the stars.
I looked up and I felt small.
I looked up and I saw beauty.
I looked up at the magnanimous sky and cried.
I know I’m so easily taken by emotions, and of late it’s usually been the negative ones that get the best of me. But it was just so beautiful and genuinely awe inspiring. In all honesty I haven’t looked up at the stars in months probably and that makes me sad. I have always been fond of them, not just because I can point out constellations, but I like to feel small. Even though it reminds me of my insignificance, it reminds me how big and beautiful the universe is just the same. It reminds me that this bullshit, isn’t all there is.
It was a beautiful moment.
An exhilarating one.
But alas, a temporary one.
Because now it’s almost 1 in the morning and I feel empty again.
I want so badly to feel,
so much so that I go for extremes,
crave them even.
And tonight, this summer, even those awful nights I’d never wish to relive
sometimes seem better then this.
I just don’t understand.
I don’t understand why I can’t be the person I want to be.
I don’t understand why I can’t just be.
I don’t understand myself.
And it’s really starting to get to me.
Or maybe I’m just getting tired.
Now I’m crying.
I’m crying because I’m here and you’re there and I’m alone with my fucking roller-coaster feelings and you say shit like you want to come visit me and it just fucking kills me.
I’m just trying to make it out of this semester alive.
Fuck I need to go to sleep.
So much for just documenting that beautiful moment.